Change

I used to talk to my Mom everyday on the phone. Sometimes it drove her crazy, but I just liked talking to her. I told my mom everything. It's hard to adjust to not having someone to do that with.

Last night, my car died. I usually would have called my mom. I didn't need to call my mom. Obviously, I figured everything out. (I did call my brother. He knows about cars.) But I did want to share with someone that I got everything figured out, that my brother is a car hero for diagnosing what was wrong from 400 miles away and that I have awesome friends who help me figure out what parts store is open on a Sunday and can actually replace the belt that exploded. Anyways, all of this to say that I called my Dad to tell him about everything, and it just isn't the same. I knew it wouldn't be. But somehow I'm really upset about it.

A large part of it, I think, is that I'm worried about my Dad. He's so sad and just doesn't sound like himself on the phone. And when I see him in person -- it's pretty much the same. I know I can't make it better. I can't fix anything; and we all have to feel through all of this. I just wish I was stronger somehow. I wish I could just fix everything and make it so that we all don't hurt so much all the time. Of course, I know that we have to feel the hurt to get through all of this.

I think the hardest thing is having so many people tell me that I am going to hurt for the rest of my life. I recognize that on some level. And yet, I sit here, with this extreme hurt that I can't describe to anyone, wondering if I am going to feel this extreme hurt for the rest of my life. Does the hurt ever lessen? Is there such a thing as a "new normal?" Will I always cry when I miss my mom? The questions go on and on. And the answers don't seem to exist.