Anger and Jealousy

I'm angry that everyone else in my life still has their mom. Of course that's not rational, and I know it. But I still feel angry. And underneath the anger, is jealousy. That's what it really is. At least I think it is. I'm jealous that other people can still call their mom's and they make them feel better. I'm jealous that people can still fight with their mom's.

The thing that sucks is that I'm having a REALLY hard fucking time. And normally when I'm having a hard time, I call my mom. I go home and talk to her about. She was always honest and frank with me. Sometimes, at least initially, I didn't like what she had to say, but she way ALWAYS right. And I don't have that anymore. I feel lost. And sad. And scared. 

I'm dreading so many things in my life because she's not here anymore. She won't be here for my birthday in June. She won't see me graduate. Or get married. She'll never meet another person I date or friend. Which means I'll never hear her tell me that she likes a person. Or better yet, that someone is a flake and ask me what I am thinking. (Those were often my favorite conversations.) I cherish those moments. And I miss them already.    Everyday I think of something else I want my mom to be there. That's one of the many things that sucks about this situation.